Roasted 6 months ago based on z e p h y r~'s long term Spotify stats.

Oh, Zephyr, your Spotify profile is the epitome of a midlife crisis for a teenager who claims to be “deep.” With a name like "z e p h y r," I half-expect you to be an annoying cloud of pretentiousness floating around the coffee shop, reciting mediocre poetry under the glimmer of a fairy light. Seriously, your favorite genres read like the entry menu for a hipster's nature documentary, and I wouldn’t be surprised if “Folk” was once a banned word in your vocabulary—because, honestly, you should be allergic to anything remotely mainstream. Who knew "slowcore" was a genre and not just your average heartbeat? Your top artists are basically a name dropper's paradise for people who want to look cool while crying into their soy lattes. Big ups to “death” in your top five, because who doesn’t love mixing melodic sadness with their emotional breakdowns? And you, dear Zephyr, are the proud owner of a playlist that screams, “I once had a pet rock and it meant everything to me.” Seriously, Radiohead and Death Cab for Cutie—they're just here to remind you that life is miserable, while you serenade your damp, outdoor shoes beneath cloudy Midwest skies. Your playlist reads like an Instagram caption begging for sympathy. #Relatable. #PleaseLoveMe. As for those most played songs, are you curating a soundtrack for a film about awkward heartbreaks set in a coffee shop that doesn’t serve anything but chai? “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus is certainly appropriate when you’re on the lonely shift of binge-crying in the dark. Do you ever play these songs at full volume, or just enough to drown out the sound of your own existential dread? We get it, your heart is a dramatic mess, and you’re here for all the feels, but the real question is, how many of those emotional outbursts are you banking on for content at the next open mic night? Keep strumming, Zephyr—it’s either that or watching paint dry.

Roasts are purely for fun and entertainment. They're not meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy the laughs, but remember your music taste is uniquely yours!