Roasted 5 months ago based on River's long term Spotify stats.

Oh River, looking at your Spotify profile feels a bit like stepping into a trendy cafe where everyone pretends to enjoy the artisanal oat milk while secretly wishing they were chugging regular old dairy. Do you even know which genre you like, or are you just one step away from collecting vinyl of whale sounds? Your fascination with “Baroque Pop” and “Yacht Rock” screams you’re either in desperate need of a personality or just aiming to soundtrack your next existential crisis with the classiest cocktail of confusion possible. As for your top artists, congratulations on single-handedly keeping the Taylor Swift economy afloat. It’s like you went to an artist buffet, saw the giant banner of “Swift” in neon lights, and thought, “Yes, please! I’ll have a side of Lana Del Rey and a generous scoop of soft rock, too!” You must be the person who plays ‘All Too Well’ on repeat while daydreaming about your next, not-so-tortured-hangout with friends who prefer actual music. Noah Kahan and Gracie Abrams are fine, but do you really need that extra cringe on your Spotify “Most Played” list? It’s like a musical snack bar of mediocre indie angst. But the kicker is in your playlist, my friend. “So Long, London” and “You’re Losing Me (From The Vault)” feel less like thought-provoking anthems and more like the soundtrack of a teenager sending their mum texts about their latest heartache over a cat. And come on, “I Look in People's Windows”? That’s not a song, River; that’s a cry for help! I wouldn’t be surprised if half your saved songs were just Boolean searches for “the most melodramatic sad girl songs” you could find. At this rate, you'll need a full-blown therapist on speed dial just to make sense of how aggressively basic your music taste is!

Roasts are purely for fun and entertainment. They're not meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy the laughs, but remember your music taste is uniquely yours!