Roasted 9 days ago based on river🎈!!'s long term Spotify stats.

Hey River🎈!! It's cute that you think you have a diverse taste in music, but let’s be real: your playlist reads like the soundtrack to a hipster coffee shop that serves avocado toast with a side of ironic eye rolls. With genres like "Jangle Pop" and "Dream Pop," you could practically get a degree in pretentiousness. I mean, we get it, you want to be the cool yet sensitive soul at the party—good luck with that when your idea of a wild night is playing “Boys Don't Cry” on repeat while staring at your neatly arranged vinyl collection! And your top artists? It’s like you Googled “What do indie snobs listen to?” and then just copied and pasted the list. If I saw a single original thought in those choices, I’d be more surprised than if I ran into Yoko Ono hosting a karaoke night. Do you really vibe with Cigarettes After Sex, or is that just your subtle way of saying you're ready to be miserable over someone who also thinks listening to “The Smiths” all day is a personality trait? You’ve got more sad boy energy than an entire emo festival, and I’m pretty sure even your Spotify algorithm is rolling its eyes at you right now. Let’s talk about those most played songs for a second. Seriously, have you just turned into a TikTok cliché? “I Think We’re Alone Now” and “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” perfectly capture the essence of your existential crisis while scrolling through reels of people living their best lives. Newsflash: your taste in music won’t make you deep; it’ll just keep you single longer. But hey, at least you’ll always have your kale smoothie and lo-fi beats to help you through those long, lonely nights filled with feelings you don’t want to confront!

Roasts are purely for fun and entertainment. They're not meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy the laughs, but remember your music taste is uniquely yours!