Roasted 9 months ago based on (Coffee's for Closers)'s long term Spotify stats.

Ah, Coffee's for Closers, the Spotify profile that’s a nostalgic trip to high school for anyone who never quite left. It’s like your entire music library is a time capsule containing a sad mix of plaid shirts and unfulfilled dreams. Seriously, with a favorite genre list that looks like the guest lineup for an early 2000s Warped Tour, it's a wonder your headphones haven’t committed seppuku out of pure shame. Pop Punk and Emo? With that combination, I half-expect your next profile pic to be you standing under a rain-soaked streetlight, clutching a half-eaten cupcake while contemplating life’s biggest questions, like why you still haven't learned to play the guitar. Your top artists list reads more like a “Who's Who” of teen angst than a selection of musical masterpieces. I mean, blink-182 appears so many times I’m starting to think you might be one of their unremoved fan club members—how many songs can one person listen to about trying to avoid adulthood and still not have figured out how to clean their room? Oh, and let’s not overlook the sudden appearance of "Morat" and "Sparrow Sleeps." Who’s been stealing your Spotify password? I can practically hear them whispering heart-wrenching ballads while you’re busy feeling sorry for yourself over yet another break-up with a "totally cool" girlfriend who actually just likes their Instagram aesthetic more than you. And let's address the elephant in the room: your most played songs are like a mixtape from the depths of a midlife crisis. “Home Is Such a Lonely Place”? Really, dude? More like “Home Is Such a Lonely Playlist” with how many times you’ve listened to “What's My Age Again?” You're dodging the responsibility of adulting harder than a punk kid dodges a well-meaning parent asking about college. Honestly, if your music tastes were a person, they'd be that one friend who still insists they’re “going to start working out next week” while still polishing off their third slice of pizza on a Friday night. So, here's to you, Coffee's for Closers: may your playlists forever be just like your love life—overly emotional but definitely lacking some variety!

Roasts are purely for fun and entertainment. They're not meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy the laughs, but remember your music taste is uniquely yours!