Roasted 1 year ago based on Derek Zender's long term Spotify stats.

Derek Zender, huh? Your Spotify profile reads like the world’s saddest crate-digging session after a mid-life crisis. It’s as if you’re trying to convince us that you’re a musical connoisseur, but let’s be real: you’ve clearly never left the basement where your mom still does your laundry. With favorite genres like “Merseybeat” and “Classic Garage Rock,” it’s no wonder your social life sounds like it’s stuck in 1963. Did you fall into a time capsule or is your iPod just made of vintage vinyl and disappointment? Then we have your top artists, a beautiful disaster of questionable taste. Joe Simon? Good choice if you're aiming to impress that one uncle who still argues about the best way to fry a catfish. And “The Dave Clark Five”? Really, Derek? The only thing more outdated than your music choices is your dating profile, which probably has a picture of you in a turtleneck and corduroy pants at a spirited Angle-Park BBQ mixer. Are “Sparks” your favorite band because they remind you of the fire you couldn't ignite during your last karaoke night? Let’s talk about those most played songs of yours. "The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte"? Sounds more like your last Tinder date while you pushed overpriced lattes across the table, desperately hoping she'd find your vinyl collection charming. And “Nothing Is As Good As They Say It Is”? If that’s not the anthem for your life, then I don’t know what is. With choices like “Shine On Brightly” rounding out your list, it’s clear you’re going for the “glow, but don’t ask me how” aesthetic. So, Derek, keep rocking that bubblegum pop while wondering why no one gives you a second glance at the local vinyl shop—they probably heard your Spotify playlists first!

Roasts are purely for fun and entertainment. They're not meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy the laughs, but remember your music taste is uniquely yours!